DAN KELLY’S 12 POINT GUIDE TO SLEEPING
Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care
The death of each day’s life, sore labour’s bath
Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,
Chief nourisher in life’s feast.
~William Shakespeare, Macbeth
My friends say I’ve been blessed with the power of sleep. For years I’ve been able to sleep anywhere, at any time of the day and at the drop of a hat. Alas with the coming of my thirties, also comes the onset of the Kelly family curse. INSOMNIA!!!! Maybe it may lead you to a genius third verse and the eventual respect of your OZ rock peers. More likely, it will leave you pallid and confused, walking through the days blankly like a soldier back from the Somme. Aaargh it be a cruel beast indeed. Here are some strategies I’ve worked on to stop myself having imaginary mind fights with the world at 3am.
A TWELVE PART GUIDE TO SLEEPING, WITH DAN KELLY
1. Things to avoid before sleeping:
Red Wine: Enough Red vino will wake you up and give you weird heart palpitations. I think it’s all the tannins. If you get really drunk, your body will actually make a chemical that wakes you up, so your metabolism can work faster processing all the bad stuff. Wine with heaps of 220 preservative ups the ante even more. Two glasses before bed and you’ll be up all night, tearfully Skype-ing your ex-girlfriend in London.
Cheese: This will give you nightmares or at least very vivid dreams. Some say it’s a myth, but it works for me every time. Here’s what the head of the British Cheese Board, Nigel White had to say after a series of experiments:
“People eating Blue Stilton cheese before bedtime reported very vivid dreams – not necessarily nightmares, but certainly wacky in their content. Common Cheddar cheese produced more dreams about celebrities, while Cheshire cheese produced a nice, dreamless sleep. Red Leicester led to nostalgic dreams featuring childhood content, while Lancashire produced dreams of work – definitely a nightmare for some!
Methamphetamine: Very bad for sleep.
2. Valerian is your friend. You don’t need a prescription for it. Nobody really understands how it works. Just take it! Neck more than the recommended dose (at least 4000mg I reckon), and then try some deep breathing in batches of twenty.
Valium, which is the chemical version of Valerian, is great but addictive, and you just end up wanting to smash them all day and dance around the house slowly. Symptoms from Valium withdrawal include anxiety and radical hallucinations and paranoid thoughts (OMG all the animals and fishes are dying! etc). So, be very careful (fun though).
Kava from the South Seas is available now in tablet form. Be warned though, it can make you a bit grumpy and sometimes the top of your head hurts, like you’ve been crow pecked, or maybe about to have an aneurysm. It’s not awesome for motivation either. Good with Hawaiian music.
3. Brian Eno is a ripper for getting you off to the land of nod. I recommend Ambient 2: ‘The Plateaux of Mirror’ with Harold Budd. Or Apollo: ‘Atmospheres and Soundtracks.’
Or watch this great Eno documentary, Imaginary Landscapes. It’s strangely soothing. I like his posh voice, gentle balding head and the slow landscape shots.
If you want to pretend you have a comforting girlfriend next to you whispering in your ear try Bavarian Fruit Bread by Hope Sandoval and the Warm Inventions.
4. Open the window ya dufus! Get some fresh air in there. If it’s too loud on the street I recommend earplugs. If you’re scared of break ins, it’s always good to have a fish tank under the window so thieves will have to make a lot of mess and break stuff before they get to you. Keep one of those fighting fish in there too.
Failing that I keep a hammer under the bed. If it’s too hot, try turning your pillow over to the cooler side. If the heating is on, turn it down a bit. Don’t sleep with your socks on, it’s weird and will freak out your toes.
5. If you’re a boy, you have a ten-minute window after an orgasm in which you may trick yourself into sleeping. I’m not sure if this works for girls. They generally seem to gain more energy. Who invented that? As Sting says – a quick polish before bedtime usually does the trick. Avoid looking at Internet porn or you’ll be too busy processing the ethical minefield to remember to sleep.
6. Exercise! I like to go lap swimming in the early evening at the Fitzroy pool. I feel like Grant Kenny for a couple of hours, then by 10pm I am completely toasted.
However, don’t try sleeping after a swim without first getting all of the chlorine off. Your skin will crawl and you will have endless Thorpey dreams. I recommend Cetaphil soap free wash.
It looks quite rude when you squirt it out on your chest, but it’s less harsh than soap. On the same note, never try and sleep after a hard shift in a kitchen or bar without a shower. You dream of work all night and wake up exhausted.
7. If you have the 3am horrors, try getting up and having a cup of chamomile tea. Peer out the window at the gentle Melbourne sleet. Write a death threat to the Editor of The Australian. Get your hostility out. Then off to bed for a quick wank to Eno and some deep breathing.
8. Counting sheep doesn’t seem to work, the bleating and baa-ing is distracting usually. Counting deep breaths seems to be much more effective.
9. If you have been awake all night with Insomnia, try getting a back seat on a packed tram or train in the morning. All of the carbon dioxide from the deep breathing commuters will make you drowsy, and with luck you’re nodding off in a flash. You might end up in Sandringham without your wallet, but at least you’ve had a little kip. Pull your beanie over your eyes. This is good on planes too. Or wear a burqa for total anonymity. I have freaked a few friends out at the 7am tram stop in my burqa and slippers.
10. Reading is the best cure, but avoid anything about the dying oceans, the declining forests or the increase of insect borne disease due to global warming. Or Aids ,Cancer, etc. Unless you are Barnaby Joyce or Andrew Bolt, this will give you the screaming horrors (I actually think deep down those guys are scared too). I recommend Harry Potter or old Biggles books. Also, films with Leonardo DiCaprio in them always send me off. I think it’s a defence mechanism.
11. If you have tinnitus like me, it’s best to have some ocean noises ready on the laptop. Otherwise get your partner to make high-pitched cricket noises to distract you from the ones in your head. If you are withdrawing from Valium, it may be even easier to imagine you are sleeping with a Praying Mantis. Listening to your headphones before bed is a bad idea and really get’s your ears ringing. If you can afford it, get a South Sea Island choir to sing outside your window every night. And, put in a wave pool.
12. A little bit of Feng Shui is never a bad idea. Keep moving your bed around until it feels just right. Don’t do this at 3am though, or your flatmates may set fire to your room. Also, keep your head away from power points and phone chargers and computers at night. Brain Cancer is not helpful for sleeping.
ALSO READ: MILDLIFE’S 12 POINT GUIDE TO CHEESE
I thought red wine was meant to make you sleep, but that would explain many of the 3am wake-ups after a night on the grapes – noted will try Valerian.
This is damn fine.
utterly hilarious, Will try Eno next time I cant sleep . Also Melatonin if you or a friend goes to the US stock up on this it’s from health food stores and kicks in your natural melatonin in your body to help you feel drowsy naturally without the tired grumpy feeling of Valium.
this is hilarious! love number 7!