SPOOK’S 12 POINT GUIDE TO HOUSEMATES

Words: Nick Melin

Let’s cut to the chase—it’s hard to find inner city rooms to rent, and it’s a pain in the arse to sort through 74 voicemails and 45 emails (No Shit!) whenever you declare to the open market that you have a ‘room to rent, 150 bucks a week, preferably no meth addicts.’ Now admittedly I’ve made many mistakes. Realising that that smack head you threw out was in-fact a Type 1 diabetic might cause guilt, and deciding to house several international students in the one ‘study’ may put you off-side with the United Nations. But, I’ve learnt my lessons and I’m moving on by publishing the following recommendations.

1. AVOID CLEAN FREAKS

They’re the ones who run their finger across the benches looking for dust.  Stay clear of these idealistic types. They will be the first ones to complain about “Hungry Jack’s wrappers” on Sunday mornings, and tell you off for not refrigerating the mustard. Sure, you don’t want a pig, but you don’t want the bubble boy either.

2. NO ESKIMOS

They say you shouldn’t take on anybody who is obsessed with The Smiths, cause all you’ll hear at 3am is tears and Bigmouth Strikes Again blaring through the wall from next door, and you’ll also be inundated with attention-grabbing fake suicide notes. Well deal with it, and be thankful it’s not Eskimo Joe.

3. NO BACKPACKERS

Especially no English backpackers. They’ll give bed bugs, keep you up every night yelling over SBS premier league football, and complain that the curries Down Under ‘taste like shit’. You’re better off dead.

4. INSEPARABLE COUPLES

If a prospective housemate arrives to the interview with their partner, just politely send them away. You want someone who is independent and mature — not some leashed dude reliant on ‘girlfriend approval’ to pull up his pants. And those overbearing insecure boyfriends, they’re going to watch everything you do, and at this point in your life — that’s the last thing you want. What you do want is someone who is mature enough to pay their bills, clean the fridge out every now and then, and have the balls to say, “Fuck it, that deserves a full flush.”

5. TOO FRIENDLY

If they say ‘I am looking for a housemate to have a beer with on a Friday night,’ tell them to get a grip on reality. You’re not in a 90’s sitcom.  Its 2011, the times are tough, there’s no money in the arts, and all your friends are online.  Unless they got a foosball table, friendship should not be forced.

6. NO ONE OVER 35

Why? Because you are 22. You’re not an insurance clerk, you’re not divorced, you don’t listen to Jon Faine in the morning, and you’ve never shopped at Rivers.  You have absolutely nothing in common with them, and while you don’t have to be their friend — it’s nice to watch TV with someone not taking up the whole couch cos his arse is sore from a botched colonoscopy.  They say age shouldn’t matter, but when people start quoting Karl Stefanovic, cause “he’s just so charming and witty”, things can get a little ugly. And when kids start turning up on weekends for ‘visitation’… your life will drain away into a puddle of suburban middle-class mediocrity.

7. NO PERSON CALLED DAVID WEINBERG

He’ll steal your alcohol and your women.

8. NO SHIPS IN THE NIGHT

If you’re a day worker, don’t get anyone who works night in hospitality. Yeah, you’ll have the house to yourself all the time, but that will mean the only way you will communicate is through passive aggressive post it notes, and that will just eat you up inside.  Being told ‘maybe you should buy some milk’ will irritate you, and send you back into therapy.  You want someone who will say it to your face — someone who has the time, to sit you down, man to man, or man to woman, whatever, and say, ‘Listen, we need milk…  how about coughin’ up some coin you prick.’

9. DON’T BE SEXIST

Don’t just get a girl on the basis of cleanliness; they are just as messy as boys, and possibly grumpier.

10. NO GAMERS

No ‘Warcraft’ or ‘Second-life’ players. They’ll suck all of your download and make those late night booty calls all the more uncomfortable.

‘Hey whats that?’

‘Its my housemate Gerald.’

‘Whats he doing?’

‘Pulling his dick over an avatar.’

11. DON’T JUDGE BY LOOKS

Don’t just a get a boy cause he’s hot. If he’s young and good looking he’s going to get a lot of sex. Because you won’t be involved, you’ll feel terrible, and his bitches will steal your bran. The same goes with hot girls. Hot girls don’t roam around inner city housemate interviews looking for sex. They’re looking for a room.

12. NO PANTY SNIFFER

Unless they ‘re French, or cook soufflé.

ALSO READ: DAN KELLY’S 12 POINT GUIDE TO SLEEPING