TOP 10 WORST FIRST DATE MOVIES

Words: Sarah Pratt

There’s a plethora of terrible films out there when it comes to first dates, but it seems that over the last 12 months an unprecedented amount have surfaced. In no particular order, here is a list of movies from recent times that we strongly advise against seeing on a first date.

 

1. SOMEWHERE

First dates can be full of awkward silences, especially when they involve a Sofia Coppola movie. The opening scene is a single shot of a car going around, and around, and around, and… yeah I lost count. Okay, so it wasn’t the worst thing to ever come out of cinema, but afterwards when you’re stuck for conversation, this film isn’t exactly going to be the best source for starter topics.

2. BLUE VALENTINE

Great movie, but it’s depressing as hell. Not an ideal choice for any couple, let alone one on their first date, and on top of the hopelessness it leaves you with, there’s these scenes which make you think ‘thank fuck I didn’t take dad to see this’. Like when Ryan Gosling’s character goes down on Michelle William’s character, it’s not exactly a quick dip, he takes his time down there, and watching these scenes with a potential mate can be a little bit awkward/uncomfortable/really not that fun.

3. BLACK SWAN

Again, good movie, but watching Natalie Portman peel tiny strands of skin off her already dainty fingers will make you squirm and fidget to the point that your prospective partner will either think you have some kind of OCD or a mild form of IBS.

4. KILLERS

Okay, so this isn’t specifically a bad first date movie, it’s just a bad movie in general. It’s Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl at their absolute worst, and if you were expecting anything but, well then you’re probably an extremely disillusioned soul who is expecting a second date as well.

5. THE TREE OF LIFE

It’s too deep for a first date. Stay home, put Fight Club on and watch Vimeo on your laptop instead, it’s essentially the same thing. If you’re a thinker you’ll be on a bed, which is far more comfortable than the seats offered at a cinema anyway, and as an added bonus, you won’t have to worry about the prying eyes of others, unless you have really weird housemates.

6. THE KILLER INSIDE ME

It’s the first date, you don’t know if he or she’s a psycho yet, you don’t even know if they read SPOOK yet! But, watching Casey Affleck beat the crap out Jessica Alba’s face until it looks like gristle meat is only going to make the psycho within rear it’s ugly neck.

7. TRUE GRIT

‘What did he just say?’ is a line uttered countless times whilst watching this film, and if you haven’t brushed your teeth thoroughly, or thrown back an after dinner mint before venturing into the cinema, well then there’s going to be a problem.

8. SLEEPING BEAUTY

Sitting next to a near stranger whilst looking up at some old boy’s old boys isn’t the most ideal setting for a first date. Sure she was sleeping (roofies will do that to you) and yeah she looked beautiful, but watching an old man lick Emily Browning’s face for an extended period of time is scarring.  What if your date gets ideas? What if that goodnight kiss on the lips turns into some heavy licking against the cornea of your eye?!

9. YOGI BEAR

There’s nothing wrong with seeing a ‘children’s movie’ on a first date. They’re usually clever and witty, and often more enjoyable than your average blockbuster flick, however watching inane bears steal food whilst talking does not fall into that clever and witty category. And the following week, when you call to arrange a second date, your date will either reject your call completely or concoct some convenient story about leaving the country to go and… free the bears.

10. SNOWTOWN

Mood is kind of important, I don’t know how many people desire a mood that involves lifeless limbs from both the human species and animal kingdom, but if you’ve agreed to go on a date with such a person, maybe reconsider. Sure it’s an amazing film, superb acting, beautiful cinematography, but something that involves dead bodies in barrels isn’t exactly going to call for barrels of laughs on the way home.

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