A SPOOKY GUIDE TO HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

Words: Katy Hall

FOR THE SOLO LADY

Find a super cute baby pink twin set, or even anything remotely elegant and of that era, do a cute lil curl in your hair, add a pillbox hat and a tonne of JFK’s blood and shazam! You got the most awkwardly elegant costume of the evening. People will want to do you, compliment you on your pearls, send you their condolences all at once… it could get very mixed reactions, but according to online polls it’s not too soon so you’re totally safe.

FOR THE SOLO MAN

I’m sorry, but I could not be any more sick of seeing vampire dudes skulking around at every Halloween party mentioning wanting to suck blood. It just makes me think you have a thing for girls on their periods. For classic, yet suggestive look I would suggest Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Business shirt, business socks and a whole lot of leg. Best, because you’re a dude your pasty hairy legs will be accepted and you won’t need to worry about waxing, exfoliating and soaking up the suns rays like your chromosomal opposites do.

If you want to be a bit bolder, might I suggest a nice cheap suit and a skull cap. Nothing says “be afraid, be very afraid” quite like John Malkovich.

FOR THE COUPLE

Well this is easy, find a street dealer of denim apparel or just head to an op shop, trade all the denim you can find for your dignity, get a hot glue gun and do some lines of coke to boost your confidence before leaving the house. If your odds are anything like Brit and J-T’s you’ll be donzo shortly thereafter this Halloween, but the pictures will last a lifetime and that’s something to be proud of.

FOR THE GROUP OF FRIENDS

This is ultimate good. But for the lady that goes as Margot, beware; your ‘brother’ will spend the entire night being secretly in love with you and probably lurking nearby. And your ‘dad’ will be spinning lies to anyone that will listen. And as for you, Chas, you get the best deal in the whole entire tracksuited world. Note this is the only time of the year it’s okay to leave the house like this.

FOR THE FAMILY

Why the fuck would you do a family dress up? If you’re over the age of, oh I don’t know… ten years old and need your parents to take you door knocking there is no need to involve your parents in this. Even sibling costumes are weird. I once saw siblings dress as Adam and Eve. THEY HAD SO MUCH SEX TOGETHER THEY CREATED THE BASIS OF OUR POPULATION. Seriously, if you want to dress up with your family you should be uninvited from every party ever and stay at home and watch films about siblings having unrequited love affairs or read articles on daddy molestation. Shame on you for trying to be new age and show how equal and chill you all are with one another. Plus, last time I checked, Halloween was about getting loose and hooking babes, do not do that with your parents around. You’re gross. Stop reading this article now please.

Happy Halloween, trick or treat, etc etc and as my mum once pointed out to me, be sure to check your candy for razors.