SPOOK’S 12 POINT GUIDE TO VALENTINE’S DAY
Words: Sarah Pratt & Marle Tyrrell
Valentine’s Day is not for everyone. People get very angry on February 14th. But the bitter shall always be bitter. Happy people losing their shit – now that’s something to be afraid of. Lucky for you, we’ve got it sorted. All you need to know about Valentine’s Day is right here in a handy 12 point guide format. You can thank us later. We too like the look of a cactus.
1. Be your own Valentine. Expectations tend to fuck shit up, so avoid disappointment by becoming your own cupid. Sure, buying yourself flowers, chocolates and expensive gifts reeks of desperation, but doesn’t Valentine’s Day generally? Call it a ‘secret admirer’ and you just look like the victim of an overly thoughtful stalker.
2. Don’t buy flowers from Coles. They’ll know. In fact don’t buy flowers at all. Buy a cactus instead, less maintenance, they last longer and it’s really fun to say ‘cactus’. Go on, try. See?
3. Buy one of these cards. Yes, it will arrive late, but then you can run with the ‘I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day, I want to celebrate our love every day’ crap you spit out. Plus your better half will momentarily think you’re funny. But deep down they’ll know it’s the card. It’s always the card.
4. Candy underwear is a no no. It’s dangerous, what if you chip a tooth on those pieces of sugary crap? Blood everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Gross.
5. Do not buy bears. Especially not those bears holding red hearts. Are you retarded? Put it down. An ugly piece of crap made by some poor kid in China? That is a symbol of your relationship Sure, you might get a smile on presenting, but no one over 14 really likes this shit and it’s sure as hell not worth the $49.99 you paid for it.
6. Keep them on their toes. Saying ‘I love you’ loses meaning after a while, spice things up by surprising your other half when they least expect it. Hide behind a corner, or better yet, hide in the shower. Right before they’re about to walk in scream ‘I LOVE YOU!’ Then tackle them. It’ll be so unique, a one of a kind moment, just like you.
7. If you’re own your lonesome today, just remember that today is just like any other day. People still don’t like you. You should probably join an online dating service. Let them help you.
8. Make a grand gesture. Even if you’re not in a relationship, now is the time to go big or go home. Decorate that special someone’s car in wrapping paper. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never spoken. Sometimes you don’t need words. But you will need someone to help you decorate, for before that final sheet of paper can be placed, you will need to hide inside the backseat. When your Valentine finally gets inside, there you’ll be. ‘Surprise!’ Again, you don’t need words, their screams will say it all.
9. Break up. You won’t have to worry about a present and you get to have break up sex. Win win.
10. If breaking up is not an option, then just get drunk. You both know the sober thing hasn’t been working. Use tequila for best results, not too much, no one likes vomit in their bed.
11. Make dinner special. So don’t cook, don’t even try, you’ll fail. Order in from the place around the corner. This is really important. People care more about food than you think. So before you contemplate getting all Jamie Oliver on them, ask yourself: Do I like sex? Order in.
12. Giving is receiving. Yep.
